|
|
| Chapter 13: Experience, Existence, and the Meaning of Life: Humanistic Psychology |
"I believe I know why it is satisfying to me to hear someone. When I can really hear someone, it puts me in touch with him; it enriches my life. It is through hearing people that I have learned all that I know about individuals, about personality, about interpersonal relationships. There is another peculiar satisfaction in really hearing someone: It is like listening to the music of the spheres, because beyond the immediate message of the person, no matter what that might be, there is the universal. Hidden in all of the personal communications which I really hear there seem to be orderly psychological laws, aspects of the same order we find in the universe as a whole. So there is both the satisfaction of hearing this person and also the satisfaction of feeling one's self in touch with what is universally true.
When I say that I enjoy hearing someone, I mean, of course, hearing deeply. I mean that I hear the words, the thoughts, the feeling tones, the personal meaning, even the meaning that is below the conscious intent of the speaker. Sometimes too, in a message which superficially is not very important, I hear a deep human cry that lies buried and unknown far below the surface of the person."
"I like to be heard. A number of times in my life I have felt myself bursting with insoluble problems, or going round and round in tormented circles or, during one period, overcome by feelings of worthlessness and despair. I think I have been more fortunate than most in finding at these times individuals who have been able to hear me and thus to rescue me from the chaos of my feelings, individuals who have been able to hear my meanings a little more deeply than I have known them. These persons have heard me without judging me, diagnosing me, appraising me, evaluating me. They have just listened and clarified and responded to me at all the levels at which I was communicating. I can testify that when you are in psychological distress and someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, without trying to mold you, it feels damn good! . . . It is astonishing how elements that seem insoluble become soluble when someone listens, how confusions that seem irremediable turn into relatively clear flowing streams when one is heard. I have deeply appreciated the times that I have experienced this sensitive, empathic, concentrated listening."
Carl Rogers, Caltech Lecture, Pasadena, California, 1964
- Go through these quotes slowly, phrase by phrase. Write down all of the different ways that you see existential philosophy in Carl Rogers's words about listening and being heard. Next, underline and/or write down each phrase that is an example of Rogers's humanistic theory.
- Think about what Carl Rogers is suggesting, based on these quotes, that he does as a therapist to hear his client better. In other words, what does he think your responsibility is as a listener in a conversation?
- There is nothing more precious than time (it is limited—remember, we're all mortal). You can choose how you spend your free time today, and there are infinite possibilities. I have a suggestion though. Go invite a friend for coffee or ice cream; go to a quiet place where you can talk openly. If you can, give the gift of your time to someone you know who might be going through a difficult time, or someone that may be facing a particular problem. Before you meet with your friend, clear your mind of the past, stop thinking about your present or future concerns, and stop daydreaming about what could have, should have, or might have been; or, what could have, should have, or might be (not regarding you or your friend). Do not attempt to think at all during the conversation—not about what you are doing now—not about what you might say next—not about any event, thought, or feeling you might share with your friend today. During the conversation, do not make assumptions about anything, and do not guess at what your friend might be saying or might be trying to say. In addition, try your best to follow all of Rogers's suggestions for being a good listener.
If you engage yourself in this exercise, and you try to be the listener that Rogers describes, you will probably find (like Rogers did) that this is very hard. It takes a lot of practice to become a good listener; to stay in the here and now—in the moment of the conversation—110% focused on what your friend is saying. Should you take the time and make the effort? Is it worth all that hard work? I will leave you with what Rogers said to the Caltech audience, "I am not attempting at all to say that you should learn or do these same things but I feel that if I can report my own experience honestly enough, perhaps you can check what I say against your own experience and decide as to its truth of falsity for you. In my own two-way communication with others there have been experiences that have made me feel pleased and warm and good and satisfied. There have been other experiences that to some extent at the time, and even more so afterward, have made me feel dissatisfied and displeased and more distant and less contented with myself. I would like to convey some of these things. Another way of putting this is that some of my experiences in communicating with others have made me feel expanded, larger, enriched, and have accelerated my own growth. Very often in these experiences I feel that the other person has had similar reactions and that he too has been enriched, that his development and his functioning have moved forward. There have been other occasions in which the growth or development of each of us has been diminished or stopped or even reversed. I am sure it will be clear in what I have to say that I would prefer my experiences in communication to have a growth-promoting effect, both on me and on the other, and that I should like to avoid those communication experiences in which both I and the other person feel diminished."
The Caltech lecture, reprinted in its entirety, can be found in: Rogers, C. R. (1995). A Way of Being. New York: Houghton Mifflin.
"A Way of Being," in fact, is a description of Rogers's theory, as well as a collection of Rogers's work and reflections compiled at the end of his career. If you are interested in reading some of Rogers's earlier work, I would recommend: On becoming a person (but either book is excellent and accessible reading).
|
|
|
W. W. Norton | Credits | Site Feedback | Sitemap | Technical Support | Print This Page